I have a cousin who I often watch from a distance with fascination. She has long golden hair, a kind warm smile, and carries so much of a distinguished air about her that in a fairy tale she would without hesitation be royalty. I’ve known her my whole life, and she has always been this way. She was raised without money, but married into a lot of it – a result, I’m sure, of the natural regal manner that absolutely drips from her aura . . . . pristine, without a trace of arrogance.
Last week I saw her mother and commented to her about her daughters amazing demeanor. Without a moment of hesitation, she smiled and responded, “Well, she’s in control of her life.” – a response I haven’t been able to get out of my head. What does it take to stay in control of our lives? Why do I feel like we, especially as women, let ourselves loose control?
I was raised to believe that women who had interests beyond mothering, were falling short. A ‘good’ woman is one who only has her children in her life, beyond that everything is a distraction. I have grown far away from this mentality, believing now that women with their own strengths and interests can be the best mothers possible.
But even without kids, those strengths and interests alone can seem so time consuming and overwhelming. Life sometimes gets the better of me and three days into the week I feel like I have been running, running . . . running.
I have to believe that my cousin’s life is not any simpler than my own. Somehow she has learned to stay calm, even through hectic chaos. The line out of that cheesy Sunscreen song comes to mind:
“Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as affective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind – the kind of things that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.”
This line catches my attention so much so that I stop for a moment, and remember.
A breath comes out of me when he says "you DON'T have control of the things that happen to you. You just don't." He's right. it’s not so much about controlling what happens to you, but controlling your inner quiet through it all. There is a billboard by my gym that says "I will choose the things over which I sweat." Every time I pass it, I think "It's true." We can control over what we worry. We can choose to stay centered and new like spring, even when life is busy. At least, we can as much as we can. After that, when the things that we never thought possible come at us, maybe we will be rested enough to "surrender to the pain" and come out on the other end alive, strong, and palpable.
Things will fall, no matter how we try to balance them perfectly above our heads. I think somehow the acceptance that we do not control the universe, or the people in it, gives us a peace that allows us to stay in control of our own calm. My therapist says that suffering is simply resistance to pain. So here’s to an effort to give in, admit we can’t do it all, give it our best and be satisfied with who we are.