Occupation: Mother

There is nothing that bugs me more these days than the phrase "just a mother". People say this in passing, like "oh, what do you do for a living?" "oh - I'm just a mom". Rather than go on and on about how ridiculous that phrase is, let me just list my new observations from this side of birth.

Occupation: Mother
Requirements: Must have an expanded heart. To achieve this heart you must go through 10 months of selfless service that will put you in perpetually increasing discomfort as the months tick away. At the end of 10 months you will be rewarded by a process that will bring you the most physical pain you have ever lived through, after which your heart, as it was, will explode and fill with a love and a joy you've never before felt.
Must be okay with a wash load that will triple in size, a garbage load that will double in size, and a schedule that will be put to shambles for at least 6 weeks, in which time your body will feel broken and bruised and you will be given little to no sleep. After six weeks you will be expected to go on with life even though it is completely different. You will never love anything the same as you love the newest contribution to your existence. This same subject will make you feel inadequate, worried, hopeful, frustrated, happy, contemplative, and important. You will continuously offer your schedule, your body, your time, your sleep, and your future to it, while the rest of the world ticks by. Every movement from it's small frame will have you looking, giving, and wanting to give more. The innocent person you were before will be lost in a passion that would protect it from anyone, and anything, at any cost. In the end, you will have to watch it learn, which often means watching it fail.
Must do dishes continuously, make lunches, wash, dry, and fold laundry at least 3 days a week. Must never put yourself first. Must be on call 24 hours a day, including all hours of the night. Must decorate for the holidays, cook dinners 7 days a week and have them be of a flavorful variety. Must be up to date on first aid and all areas of psychology. Must be willing to take on the weight of responsibility for creating an upbringing that will create goodness. The more education you have, the more beneficial you will be. Teacher training essential. No holidays, days off, or insurance included. No experience provided.
Pay: Lifelong doses of joy. Love as you could never have felt it before. Unending surprises. Knowledge of God's goodness. Happiness. Opportunities to learn peace, empathy, and selflessness, which will in turn give you the chance to become better than you are.