Reaching the Peak

Drum roll please . . . .
This week marks Brooklynn and I's last trip to California until we move and officially live in one place with Brent.
{Insert crazy excited screaming here.}

Looking back I honestly can't believe we survived. But what's crazy, is that we didn't just survive . . . we lived. We did it. We embraced it and grew and struggled and cried and surrendered and talked and hugged and held on and committed again and again until here we are, ON THE OTHER SIDE. {even more screaming here}

Sometimes when you feel like you've done something amazing and hard, you just have to write it down so when you end up at some point feeling like this:

you can refer back and remember how to feel like this:

So. Here's what I learned after a year of hard living, and what I hope to remember moving into this next chapter, where the living is BOUND to be easier.

The last year was a major bonding experience for Brooklynn and I. A mommy loves her baby, but our relationship was taken to a new level. After all these 10 hour drives Brooklynn and I are pretty well accustomed to surviving just the two of us. She's an angel on the road - sometimes we have singing matches, singing "Daddy, I'm coming!!!!" in as many melisma variations as possible. If we're not driving, we're hanging out. We read, cuddle, watch SYTYCD, practice, swim, and go to the park as often as possible. We have quite the routine down, and I love every moment with her.

I've learned that I can do 99% of ANYTHING around the house. That last one percent is involved with machinery I don't know the names of . . . but what used to stop me in my tracks doesn't even phase me any more. Don't get me wrong, Before Brent started commuting I was out there mowing the lawn 9 months pregnant and keeping up with the best of them. But the level of expertise I've obtained in the last year of living alone far surpasses your normal mommy neighbor. I can screw, saw, dig, plant, replace, sand, and tighten with all kinds of fluency. The other day I needed to run a wire from one area of the house to the other. I am well aware that I used all the wrong tools, but I got the job done: I drilled a hole through a new window frame, calked the old hole to eliminate any sign of it, ran the wire into the new spot, hooked it up and tested the product . . . success! Truthfully, I should be the advertisement for Home Depot and Lowes. I can't tell you how many times I've gone with a video on my phone, shown it to a sales rep to help them know what I'm after, and walked out with all the right parts and instructions. (cue commercial: "Lowes, let's build something together") Bless them.

I've learned that simply believing you're blessed changes everything. And the opposite rings true as well. Thinking you have it worse than anyone is a black hole that sucks you deeper and deeper and is a nasty thing to shake. Avoid people who pull you in. Surround yourself with people who are strong and take you higher. Like MaRea. MaRea came to my house from LOGAN with 100 painting tools I didn't know existed. Then, in one afternoon, and without me even asking her, she single handedly painted the exterior of my garage. I was complaining that I didn't know how to cut a piece of wood I needed to connect the travertine to the hard wood floor. She asked, "well, do you have a Chop Saw?" I looked at her blankly and replied "we have that" pointing to some very dangerous looking machine in our garage. "That's a chop saw. I can do it for you - easy!" See what I mean? When you have people like that in your life, you really don't feel so crazy for being the "single mom" in the Ward that is always at Lowes. THANK HEAVENS for farm raised women.

I've learned to give yourself treats, and be satisfied at that. Like fresh raspberries. Or a divine meal at a Mexican restaurant. Relish every single bite. But then walk away feeling happy and fulfilled. Don't wait for the moments 4 weeks away when you get to do the same things with the man you love. It's wonderful to look forward, but if you live looking forward, so many moments slip by unnoticed. Instead, when you just feel like you're going to die if you have to survive one more weekend alone, do something kind for him and send it his way. Sometimes loneliness is remedied by a simple gesture outward instead of inward.

I've learned about the mother and neighbor I want to become. 'LOVE' does not fully describe the way my angel parents Robynne and Linda have embraced Brooklynn so that I can teach 38 students, gig, stage, and pack a house by myself. They have taken her in as their own. They have embraced and included her in ways I can't describe, and filled Brooklynn's life with fun that I just can't create most of the time. I mean, Robynne is the definition of a great day to Brooklynn. I can't tell you how deeply I feel the gratitude. And guess what they always say when I pick her up? "Thank you for letting us have her!!!" In the most genuine voice you've ever heard.
Linda told me one day that she tries to be a "drop and go" friend. Meaning, when someone calls and needs something, drop what you're doing, and go. I've watched her do it over and over, and I've been the recipient so so so many times. Regardless of how inconvenient it may have been, you'll only hear her thank you for the opportunity. AND IT'S GENUINE! She's amazing, and her example will ALWAYS be in my mind as someone I want to become.

And then there's the lessons learned about continuing to strengthen your relationship with your spouse when you're 686 miles away all the time. I've relished the moments of Skype or ichat when Brent reads Brooklynn stories before she goes to bed, or he joins us for family prayer and breakfast in the morning. I've been very grateful for our experience when we did this the first time (NYC to SLC) when we were just 6 weeks married and commuted for 8 months while Brent took a new job and I finished my degree. The lessons learned then have been so helpful this time around when things are just a little more complicated with 1 child and two very busy lives. Ergo, I am grateful for perspective, and the ability to look back and realize that God prepared me for this year. Those moments when you intimately feel that there's a specific plan for you, especially when things are crazy hard, are pretty awesome moments.

Lastly, I have learned that we are stronger than we ever ever ever think we are. So many times I have thought that I've hit the maximum of hard crap I can endure, and so many times I've crawled right past it. Women are amazing. I think emotionally we are equipped to do things that often we begin by assuming are impossible. . . because they should be impossible. I've broken through my own limits over and over again in the last year. It's an amazing feeling to realize that you are that strong. Enough prayer, and ultimately, we can do anything. It's an important thing to keep in the back of your heart at all times.

Finally, I hope we never have to do it again. In fact, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure this stretch is our last stretch of ever having to commute. But if he does happen to go on a weekend work trip, I'm fully loaded to survive.

Our new chapter has been 396 days in coming. Only 24 more days until we step through the door. It's all downhill from here.