“I felt that my mind had turned to dust, to the fallen leaves bruised under the horses hoofs.” - Madeleine L'Engle

Today I'm so sad. The kind of sad that saturates you down to the bone like wet. It leaves you feeling heavy . . . like there's nothing you can really do to get rid of it except dry out.
And that takes time.
Someone close to me left me holding the phone this morning with a deep sense of confusion, betrayal, and exhaustion. I tried so hard, and in the end, sometimes that's just not enough. Sometimes what you have is not what people want. And sometimes, it hurts when you find that out.

I wish I was always wise. When things catch me off guard, shining a spotlight on my vulnerability in that unexpected moment, that's the first thing I feel: I wish I was wise. Because wise means you have foresight and insight and always proceed with caution. Wise people don't go too fast, or too much, or too often. They are respected, so when craziness hits them people give them the benefit of the doubt, instead of turn on them with bitterness.

I've thought through and rethought through the situation to see how I could have prevented it. But that's the most maddening part: how can you change something if you didn't know there was a problem?! She was wrong for not trusting me enough to say something sooner, because I can honestly say I would have done my best to listen. It's painful to think she didn't think I would. Or maybe it was just easier to wait until it was too late, and then try and pass the blame to someone other than herself. For her to let it unfold in such a hurtful way . . . It will take time to let this dry out.