“I took a walk in the rain one day on the wrong side of the tracks . . . I stood on the rail until I saw that train, just to see how my heart would react.”
- Mary Chapin Carpenter
I think in everyone lives a degree of danger. Of coarse some people have a bright red streak that bleeds into everything they do: the color of hair dye they use, the clothes that they wear. For others its a light green that sings and is satisfied by a walk through the woods on a summer evening.
For me it's an ever changing ebb and flow that I find myself manipulating in waves. I have within me a thick desire for self expression. I find if I get enough practicing in, I feel satisfied. However, if by chance time does not allow - it begins slowly like a soft thirst and then grows until I am driving to the tattoo shop to get something carved on my lower back. I usually wake up dreaming of fast motorcycles, nose rings, and very sexy dancing. Needless to say, I am still tattoo-free, however you wouldn't believe how much fun all of the above can sound to me in my moments of weakness.
Now picture me pregnant. I'm pretty convinced that I'm doing it all very . . . . differently then most people who I'm surrounded by. For some reason I'm having a hard time seeing myself as anything but what I feel - completely independent, busy, and to be honest, selfish. I haven't spent two minutes shopping for baby things, I don't have the slightest idea where to begin. I'm not goo goo eyed and frilly, in fact I have a small panic attack every time I see someone with a baby.
And to make matters worse it seems my dangerous streak has gotten bolder in all of this anticipation of anticipation. It doesn't matter how much violin I play - I have an unquenchable thirst to cut my hair, dye it colors, buy a bullet bike, and go cliff jumping. It's not that I'm not excited to 'settle down' so to speak and do the grounded mother thing - I am - in fact, it sounds wonderful, doesn't it? But realistically I'm having a steady small freak-out over what it all could mean. The unknown is making me feel very unprepared.
So the other day I just had to allow myself a moment to relax. I took a long walk and prayed that I would feel some sort of okayness with all of this change. And of coarse there was amazing peace the moment I just let go. There are a thousand fears inside: of being good enough, of being all these things I think I need to be but aren't yet. There are a thousand things to know that I don't. There are a thousand feelings other mothers-to-be feel that I haven't. But in that moment there was calm, even with all of what I don't have.
There are those out there that would read my list and shake there head, thinking "why not do all of that stuff?". Maybe one day I will. But for now I need to remember that having courage is sometimes more adventurous than responding to your fears.
8 comments:
that was the best post that i have read in a long time. i can't say that i felt those same feelings but i have felt the fear and it is very real. you can never be totally ready to become a parent but for some reason the love that you have for you sweet little bundle makes up for all the unknowns and fears, and for what you can't do the lord makes up for. you are going to be a great mom and i have to saw you are so cute with that cut little belly. glad that your part of the fam.
that last comment was from lindsey smith not angie. sorry
I love when I can just "let go"...it can be harder than it sounds. But once you give it up everything works out and peace does come.
love your words.
The fact that you can express yourself so well somehow makes it possible to work through all the STUFF that fills your mind and heart. Words are powerful and your powerful words give expression, meaning and release to all that encumbers, stretches, communicates and eventually liberates. You will meet and surpass the challenge as you always do, with gusto, excellence, joy and satisfaction.
I love you Melissa!!! You are so good at expressing yourself. I know what you are feeling and it is overwhelming. Reading your post gave me that feeling of anxiety that I felt before Thatcher come into my world! Woowee I loved my independance. Soon enouph you will feel that calm and if it doesn't come right when the little monkey comes into your world that's ok to it will come...it may be a month or two but it will come! ( I cut my hair so many times before I finally had Thathcher and bleached and died it to, it felt good you maybe you should give it a try)!
If there is one thing that Claire has taught me it is that mothering is not about decorating rooms, buying perfect outfits or creating elaborate hair styles. Mothering is learned by responding to little ones needs, wants and whims. I know it will all fall into place when you start "doing" for you baby what it needs you to do. Can't wait to see the little one.
I love your ability to be so vulnerable. It says something about your capacity to learn. So alongside your healthy serving of uncertainty KNOW THIS! Adventure, is what lies ahead, ones you can't imagine being grand but they will be! The greatest adventures you have ever had! Oh, they may not seem so at the time, (things like getting up with a colicky baby, for the fourth time, dog tired, with what seems like a blanket wrapped around your brain and ‘emotional’ about being that way, won’t feel like a grand adventure) but learning for yourself that you can do it, with love in your heart IS A GRAND ADVENTURE! (PS… the love in your heart part ….not all the time so much, but it comes. Trust me!) Maybe instead of congratulating expectant parents we should say "Happy leap of faith & May you have many grand adventures) All code for “here comes the growing years!” For a seeker (like yourself) they will be all your soul is looking for.
i know I am late to post...but I hear you loud and clear. I think for me the fear was about not having the time or maybe even the desire to do music...but it is what I've always done and therefore there is a huge pressure there to stay good and be getting better. with this baby, just give yourself permission to follow your heart...if that means not practicing all week so be it...or if that means making time for your violin everyday so be it. just be ok with whatever space you are in. it is an incredible thing to love so big. get ready for your heart to split open wide. love you.
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