my imperfect post

I had an interesting conversation last week with a friend about today's technology, and specifically how through Facebook and blogging ones's life can so easily be portrayed as perfect. Imperfection, it seems, is what brings so many of us together.. . that camaraderie of knowing you're among others who have struggled, will struggle, have insights, compassion, and down to earth soft shoulders to cry on and arms to feel loved by.

Of coarse we all have our inner circles that we open up to apart from the cyber world, and my favorite blogs are those that do spill open their inner heart aches and personal situations, happy and sad (so, yes, they exist). But after this conversation, my thoughts couldn't leave all the examples that proved her point . . .. all those posts that chirp the sometimes over anxious positive message, adding up to imperfect perceptions of perfect lives.

So, I decided to break the pattern at least on my end, by writing a post that outlines my flaws. Note to reader: I'm genuinely not funny. Imperfection no. 1. I'm that person that is so very not funny that she has to intellectually try to think of how to be funny before forming a sentence. Typically this comes across as over reaching and slightly pathetic. So throw me a bone and try to buy into a thread of humor as we work through this.

Imperfection no.2: I'm not patient. I find myself tapping a toe while I wait for something in the microwave. Even as I work on this flaw I have very little patience in the work. Number one issue, definitely.

Imperfection no. 3: I am a certified control freak. This was only enhanced by focusing on music which lead to a career of intense hours upon hours of getting something 'just so' day after day. I typically think my way is a great option, which combined with my no patience issue can explode into just HAVING to have something go the way I think it should.

I'm also very compulsive, and not at all spontaneous, but I think these typically only hurt myself.

Imperfection no. 4: I hold grudges. I never thought I did, (HILARIOUS, now looking back), but wow. I do. Now, in my defense I think you could safely categorize my personality as "spicy / tender". A weird combination, and a dangerous one. The tender part leaves me feeling a lot, but often this results in over feeling. And when the feelings aren't pleasant, the spicy fire is ignited. I remember having complete out of control thrashing melt downs when my dad disciplined siblings when I was a child. It wasn't me getting disciplined, but it might have well been. I'm NOT justifying the grudges, but after years of reflection it's helped to understand the tenderness is often why I get so hurt, and that if handled appropriately, it can be a strength not a weakness. Also, the flip side to the grudge is that I'm an absolutest when it comes to loyalty. As much as I hold a grudge, I'll protect those in the inner circle just as passionately. Don't worry - the grudge thing is something I really have tried to break.

For those of you who are now convinced to never contact me again, don't leave yet - there's still so much more.

Imperfection no. 5: After years of bad conditioning, my "go to" emotion is anger. Even something as innocent as Brent jumping out from a hidden corner to scare me, the first emotion I feel is anger. Not surprise, not giggling 'you got me', but mean, bitter, anger. It's the spot that I revert to the quickest. Because of this I was, for many years, a fighter. And not a fair fighter. I went to the ugly place as quickly and as hot as possible as my first wave of attack against the opponent. I typically won every argument. Of coarse, now (again, after lots of reflection) I've realized that that never was winning. And I'm proud to say I've come leaps and bounds. Brent will support me in this, which is why I know it's actually true. It may sound funny to some, but I've finally gotten to a place where most of the time I can stop, breathe, and respond instead of react. Not easy. If you're me.

Imperfection no. 6: I always assume the worst case scenario. I don't notice this often, but Brent points it out all the time. I may know 30% of a situation, and before the rest of the details unfold, I have outlined the 5 possible scenarios, found the one most dissapointing, and convinced myself that it's reality. On the one hand though, this comes in handy when you hate being disappointed, as most of the time I'm eventually pleasantly surprised.

Imperfection no. 7: Ironically, this one is for some reason not at all affected by Imperfection no. 6. I ALWAYS believe infomercials are telling the truth. :) If I let myself watch them, I'd buy everything they were selling, I'm that convinced it will change my life for the better.

Imperfection no. 8: I am not a natural conversationalist. In general, I'm not really good with people at all. I liken myself to a puppy who was taken from the pack before learning the social etiquette of being a puppy. I find entertaining incredibly draining and down right hard work. Most of the time I'm too lazy.

Imperfection no. 9: "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." I have an awful habit of dwelling on negative things, particularly negative things about people. One of the most hurtful flaws I own, by far. This one is painful to put in writing.

Imperfection no.10: I have no tolerance for chaos. None. I like structure and movement in a systematic pattern forward towards clear outlined goals. I don't like craziness, unneccesary loudness, unmanaged situations, and boundless blah. This is obviously a derivative of Imperfection no. 2 & 3. I'm working on trying to not impose this on others, as I believe it is actually a great strength if I can just keep the expectation to include only myself.

Imperfection no. 11: I am very competitive, but in a proud way . . . i.e. I'm a perfectionist. I only like to compete if I know I can win. Otherwise, I'd rather sit on the sidelines and let myself believe I could have won, if I had wanted to participate. It's really a manifestation of insecurity, but deeper than that it's ultimately a self imposed standard of perfection that must be reached or I'll be deemed, by my own self, as not quite good enough. Shaking that label from my own subconscious can prove to be pretty difficult, and in my case has flawed my confidence in many areas. Of coarse the real lesson is what I learn when I fail, and ALLOWING myself to love me even when I'm not perfect (in this case perfect in a very public way). It also requires trust that others forgive and still believe in my potential. But of coarse, it all starts with an inner forgiveness and confidence. And that my dears, is one reason that I ended up choosing teaching instead of a facet of performing for my career.

Imperfection no. 12: I have a wildly out of control imagination. It's so real that I have a hard time sitting through ANYTHING that is suspenseful or scary. Yup, I like the predictable and boring that I can go home after watching and get a full nights sleep. My imagination will take me RIGHT THERE, into that car in the dark shadows with the cloaked figure walking up behind us . . . and before you know it I'll be thinking about this situation FOR DAYS after the movie has ended. Also, and probably most painful, is that I can't get through scary movies without talking out loud the whole time, as if the characters will hear me and respond appropriately. "HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!! RUN!!!!"

And finally, Imperfection no. 13 (no, I don't think I'm limited to a baker's dozen . . . but come on, at some point a girl has to see the light at the end of the tunnel in disclosure.) So. Imperfection 13: I make up words. Maybe this is something you see as a creative splash, or a hint of genius, as I often do. I try and remind those who are critical that Shakespeare himself introduced more words into English literature than all the other writers of his time combined, over 1,700 by some estimates. Whose to say that such creativity should be bridled? However, in all honesty, it's not just words. I mix up common phrases and cliche sayings. When my dad insisted on me taking an aptitude test, I scored off the charts with subjective reasoning. Meaning when someone says "Plain as ____" Instead of going straight to "Plain as day!" I think "Plain. Plain is white and simple, it's someone who braids their hair in two long braids and doesn't put bows in it. It's a dress without design, a wall without texture. Plain is . . . . " And, if I ever do get back to the first thought, I'd typically end up with "Plain as simple" or something similar. And I can do this - the whole train of thought - in the blink of an eye. The guy who tested me was exasperated by the end of our session. I mean, I didn't answer a single one "right". He asked me to expound . . . you can only imagine the look on his face as I explained how I ended up at my answers. Anyway, creative or not, I simply can't ever get those cliche's right. Aaaaannnddd, it typically comes across as simply uneducated and weirdly not normal.

So there you have it. Thirteen out of the millions of imperfections that make up yours truly. Now, to make sure to end on a positive note, it's worth pointing out that I'm well aware of these issues and am truly working on them each day. A girl with this many big issues better be trying to pick at it consistently. Seriously. It's painful to look back and see years screaming at you with mistakes and immature reasoning. (AH! Imperfection no. 11 strikes again!) Onward and upward.
Thanks to those of you who stick by me throughout the process ;)