Teach me to walk . . .

I'm not someone who believes there is a right way when it comes to moms working. I think a lot of people wish it was black and white. I think we all wish a lot of things were black and white. But, of course, life is gray.

I was raised to believe that staying home and raising your kids is the best thing you could do for them. I think some of this statement can ring true, because of course mothering is the most exceptional job there is. But what helps you become the best mother for your child, now that is a whole new question. When I had my first child and continued working I went through overwhelming guilt at the thought that I was A WORKING MOM.

I could go on and on about this subject in several different tangents. I'm raising a daughter, which means I've thought a lot about her path and what choices she'll come across. We highly value education in our home. So, of course the age old question "why work so hard to get a degree if you're not going to continue in that field because you're hoping to be a stay-at-home mom?" has come to mind. This subject has been blogged about to the max. Bottom line for me: I believe our kids are very capable at a very young age, and the best thing you can do to help them through life is help them open doors, not shut them. I don't believe in raising children to be well-rounded. Yup, I said I DON'T believe. I believe in helping kids gain a skill, or two, and becoming very good at it. I think the younger they start, the more play time they'll have. Because from my own experience, catching up can be completely consuming. I think competition is wonderful and I think our job as parents is to help our kids be prepared for it. I loathe mediocracy and ALL of the excuses that help people feel good about staying in mediocracy. I believe that above all, even above excellence, parents should be concerned with raising children with good hearts. I also believe that mothers should be educated. The more education, the better. Not "the better mother", just "the better". Because I think we need all the help we can get in becoming the best people we can be, which will be passed on - hopefully - to our little monkeys as they develop and learn and grow. In a nut shell, there you have my take on it.

When we were living in Utah, I worked. And then I worked more. and more. and more. A portion of my job was that of a free-lancer, which meant that I was contacted weekly by a contractor who was hiring for certain projects. She had a pool of people that made up a long list of self-employed artists like myself. Those who were the most professional, consistent, and talented, were at the top of the list. Those new to the business or the area were at the bottom. When you got a call, you said yes. I don't care if you were six hours into an eleven hour drive away from home for vacation, you said yes. You turned around your car and came home to say yes. Because if you said no, it was reflected immediately with where you were placed on the list. Often calls came in late the night before an early morning gig. Essentially you are always on call, held captive to a profession that is last-minute and rarely planned in advance. There were exceptions, which is another tangent I could write a book on, but in general this was the life. You can imagine how I enjoyed this life. I am a planner. An organizer. A type of person that likes to know what to rely on, what list to complete, what budget to live in, what babysitter I need to hire two weeks from now. In this situation, my type-A personality channeled into something I could control: the OCD portion of this job. I never said no. NEVER. I said yes even if it meant 15 hour days 22 days in a row.

Sigh. Another tangent. The point is, I worked A LOT when we lived in Utah. It took a large toll on my family and my child. But I truly loved it. I felt so important and alive.

Leaving my students to move brought with it the most emotionally draining saga I've been through to date. What I knew going into it was that every parent wants what is best for their child. What I didn't know is that if you are the person that takes that thing away, even if you were loved, you are still taking that thing away, and parents will blame you. How they blame you speaks to their character, but nothing compares to the vengeance given when you threaten a child's best interest. I received the worst of it. Blood . . . blood was in the water. I left battered and broken from people I loved. LOVED. I learned that people will want what they think is best for their child more than they'll want you to do what is best for your child. I learned that as a parent you need to protect your interests and the interests of your family, because no one else will. The best people hurt. The worst people were cruel. The shocking part was realizing what people fell into which category. ALL of them are people I gave my MY. LIFE. to.

When I got to California, raw from betrayal and naked with this new feeling of relying on Brent, I had a long path to unravel and heal. I finally understood what my teacher in France described when he talked about the unique career of teaching and the position of abuse it can put you in. The first weeks in California I found myself unmercifully bored, and yet so gleefully happy at giving all of my energy to my daughter and not other people's daughters. It was a full year of just adjusting. For the first time, I didn't bring home a dollar. I felt naked. I felt under appreciated. I felt worthless. What made it even worse was I didn't understand Brent's job. It was frustrating, overwhelming, and not me. Obviously, because it was his job, not mine. I found myself feeling very vulnerable as I realized that he excelled at something I didn't understand, and that my position as a wife was to support him, not work the job for him. I had no control, no peace of mind (I know this sounds crazy) thinking that if he couldn't do it, I was totally incompetent to take over. I had walked away from my studio and my networking in Utah, and had neither here. I was relying completely on him taking care of us. It was torture for a long time as I learned a new role of supporter instead of provider. It took a long time for me to sort through the journey of emotions for me to finally arrive at what was a realistic perspective of being a non-working Mother. Two weeks of elation, months of frustration, and finally months of satisfaction brought me to realize how to be my best self in this role. I learned that there are lots of pros and cons working and mothering, and lots of pros and cons not working and mothering. I also realized that both sides have lots of "reasons" to justify different mantras.

What I've come to, after living both ends of the spectrum, is that the best mothers are ones who actually mother. For some this means working a bit. Sometimes working a bit helps you feel valued and keeps you from taking one second with your kids for granted. Other mothers it means not working. They love the singularity of full focus on their kids, and they do it well. I appreciate that. I've tried to be an engaged person. I find for me it's about putting my family first, and adjusting as needed to create a situation that gives my kids the best recipe of what gives them the best mother.

Once Blake was born it became harder for me to say no to people who called inquiring about violin lessons. I missed it. I had learned a lot, staying home, and I felt like I'd crossed the spectrum from fearing it, to tolerating it, to loving it. I knew I could go back to work and stay balanced this time.

That first day that I taught I came home singing. Every part of my body was lighter. Happier. Delighted. I was energized and full. I walked in and gave my best to my family. It felt so good to feel valued and to give those skills to someone else. I've limited my teaching to a few hours, I've found a situation that I know the kids are loved and can spend time with Dad when I'm gone, and I only take students who I have the highest confidence will give their best to me and make music their top priority. It's not much difference from the last time around, except this time I'm not freelancing on top of it all, I'm not teaching 40 students, and this time I know that even when you love your students you can't trust them like you do family. And no one will ever compromise my decisions affecting the best interest of my family. Ever. Again. I know that could sound snotty. I don't mean it that way, what I mean by it is that I've learned from my past experience to find the right match and balance in work, and that it's my job to draw my lines, not anyone else's.

So now I'm a kind-of working mother of two. Hopefully fully engaged in both worlds.