In the brain there are different lobes that are associated with different reactions to feelings. For example, when someone feels sad, more activation has been demonstrated in the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (VLPFC), the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), the transverse temporal gyrus, and the superior temporal gyrus. I recently learned of a study done on both a group of Grad School students and Buddhist monks. After several wires were attached all over their bodies, they proceeded to show each group a video of a burn victim being treated by doctors carefully peeling off the layers of dead skin. To simplify the story, this particular study showed that when watching the video the Grad School students almost unanimously felt distress. However, the Tibetan Monks mirrored neurons of compassion. Think about the difference. Grad School, full of stressful situations that have us practicing distress - felt distress. Buddhist Monks - who have learned to meditate, practice calm, and train for mindfulness - felt compassion. Distress . . . compassion. We, meaning westerners like myself, usually respond to our own judgements, not another persons. However, the monks were able to feel the pain of the person in the video, instead of their own pain in watching it.

Yesterday I had the rare opportunity to practice calm. Ironic, it seemed, that this was the topic of conversation with my therapist this week as well. (yes, I go to therapy, I recommend it to everyone). Oh how often we are not aware of how we are feeling. Not just "I am feeling sad", but to know where we hold tension, how much of it, and how we respond to it as it builds. . . . Michelle says that meditation is the study of the awareness of our awareness. Again, I realize how I live in a culture that is trying, but I believe the majority (because I am so often one of them) is only really trying within walls that a society has built. Is it possible that in their effort to conform they are loosing some lessons worth learning? For example, my chiropractor (welcome to ALL the crazy stuff I do during the week :) ), who is LDS, says that some people in his ward really had difficulty with a lesson he gave on meditation. But isn't this a form of prayer? So in shunning something because it's not normal in Salt Lake, could they be giving up an eternal truth that is actually taught in the scriptures?

We spent this weekend at a beautiful cabin isolated between drifts of snow and pines. The rooms were full of patterns of light, music and good books. Saturday morning everyone else bundled up and went out on the snowmobiles, and I found myself and this baby inside of me alone for the day. (Tadaa! This was also my sneaky plan - to reveal that I'm pregnant in the middle of a post, so only those who really read will know . . . he he). For the first few minutes I panicked - all this time and so little to do?! Stripped of laptop, no violin in sight, not even a cell phone to keep me busy. It dawned on me that this is what people pay for: spending thousands of dollars for someone to provide isolation so they can "retreat" from the world for a spell. And here I had it - all to myself. However, I am a product of my society.
And so, yesterday I determined it is time to begin a quest to understand my own reactions and responses well enough that I can alter them and elevate myself to become a better person. By repeating any one activity we build up pathways in our brain that grow stronger and stronger, until they become easy for us to repeat - making the strongest pathways the ones we fall back on for snap decisions, first impressions, and quick reactions. Therefore, by practicing calm, by stopping. feeling. listening. surrendering. I am literally changing my nervous system: working methodically to rise above what I have done before, which is, without going into the gory details, responding in ways I often later wish I hadn't. I am hoping by practicing calm to learn to build a better self. Because, in the end, is this not how God is? He is, because of the understanding he holds, love. Therefore, if I can but stop, learn to listen and understand, I too will be love.