The "Cry it Out"

Recently a good friend of mine posted on her blog asking for feedback on what people thought about letting their baby cry to sleep. I think whatever people want to decide to do with their children is wonderful, and I’m not out there to tell people they are wrong. However, having just gone through this myself, I have very strong feelings about this subject, so much so that I thought I’d post my thoughts on my own blog so I could really lay out my reasoning’s.
So, Nonie, this ones for you :)
I think one of the biggest misconceptions of “letting them cry it out” is that you are giving up snuggle time. However, in my experience (the whole 7 weeks of it :)) this isn’t the case at all. You can still have plenty of cuddle time with your baby – we use Brooklynn’s awake time to cuddle, read, hold, and play together. What “crying it out” does do is help them learn how to fall asleep without your aid. I believe that this is something babies need help learning; and it’s our opportunity as parents to give them that skill. In turn you are laying the foundation for healthy sleep the rest of their life, and a healthy emotional future for the mother as her family grows. Let me restate: you are not eliminating the nurturing that comes with cradling your baby, you are teaching the clear distinction between “cuddle time” and “falling asleep time”.
I went through a whole episode where I didn’t understand why I would choose crying when I could just as easily fix the problem in 3 – 5 minutes by going in and holding her. But what I’ve learned is that it’s the simple difference between a “quick fix” and a long-term solution.
All too often I have seen mothers start with savoring the hours of snuggle time that come before bed with one child, only to have that child become two children, then three, than four and before you know it 3 hours of evening are dedicated to putting the kids down to bed, and all too often what used to be cherished has now become stressful. This is only magnified once the kids are down because the children don’t know how to self soothe, which means anytime they wake up, they need mom and dad to help them go back to sleep - which really translates into everyone walking on eggshells: doorbells are turned off, words are spoken in a whisper – anything to avoid waking them up. It can be a recipe for tense nerves and exhausted parents, especially when all the variables come into play: trips, changes of schedules, sickness, new members of the family, construction in the house next door, anything, really. It seems so obvious to me that there is a skill missing here. The parents have failed to teach the children how to do something that will in the long run be for their good. What used to be an innocent cuddle session has now become a crutch that has hampered the years to come.

Unfortunately, the only way to teach it is to experience crying. This part sucks. I can say whole-heartedly that it is the hardest emotional thing I have ever gone through. I found I needed a huge support system of women who I would call every 3 hours, the ability to leave the house, and a husband who was 100% on board. With these three things, it’s doable, but still torturous. I also believe the longer you wait, the harder it becomes. One friend starts the ‘crying it out’ lessons from day one, and I can see why. Even at 7 weeks old, I believe it was harder on Brooklynn than it needed to be, simply because we had spent 7 weeks establishing a routine of expectation that had to be eliminated.
I haven’t talked to one mother who has said that waiting eliminated crying, or made it any easier. Although it’s easy to put it off (because it’s the most dreaded period of time thus far in your existence), if a mother wants to help her child learn to sleep on his/her own, there is no better time than NOW. The good news is that within 3 days a healthy habit will be learned that will help both of you for the next 15 years. Three horrible, terrible, torturous days – 15 happy, healthy, balanced years (with as much cuddling during awake time that you want).
To top it all off, I also believe that the mentality that is established in this routine plays into a mindset of overall parenting. I believe that children who are raised without being given everything are better children. I believe that children need structure and boundaries. I also believe you can’t spoil an infant. But it’s so easy in the first several months to establish a parenting mentality that quickly continues for years to come. The difference is that babies who are rocked to sleep have mothers who are always listening for their cry. When the do cry, whatever the mother is doing is dropped, and the baby is comforted. In other words, the whole world of the whole household revolves around baby. With babies who know how to soothe themselves back to sleep, when baby cries, mom stops and listens. She hears baby working, and she doesn’t stop the baby from succeeding on her own. Baby is able to go back to sleep without any help, and mom continues what she was doing. The world and the household revolve around the parents – who are the “leaders of the pack” (to use my husband’s analogy). This establishes a life-long healthy balance of structure and happiness for everyone involved.
Again, for all of those who do it differently, I would never in a million years tell anyone they were wrong. But I’m pretty darn convinced that for my family, this is the way to go.