Vacation

Thursday: Kitchen Sink plummeted to the floor. Yes, the whole sink.
Saturday Morning: Woke up with a start to a huge crash in Brooklynn's room. Went in to discover her book shelf had fallen off the wall and shattered into a million splinters and books.
Saturday Afternoon: Did the laundry and was welcomed by our weekly basement flooding as a result.
Saturday night: Got on a plane with Brooklynn and flew to California.
Sunshine.
Family.
Brent.
Life has elevated to a new status of joy and the only danger here is that I will hide in a closet on Saturday until I "accidentally" miss my flight home. :)

The five stages of a commuting existence.

Stage One: Fear and the Unknown
July 28th, 2010 Dropped Brent off at the airport for the first time in this experience. As I drove away, I remember feeling giddy anxiety over this new chapter opening in our life. I had no idea what was to come, or how I was going to work and juggle being all the mom that Brooklynn needed. But I was excited, too. I was excited to see where it took us, and so grateful for life to get even better with that thing they call employment.

Stage Two: Plan and Conquer
September 16th, 2010 Stripped, primed, and painted the shutters on the outside of the house. Revised my list of daily chores to be even more efficient. Went to the nursery and reconstructed a new and improved flower bed design for every nook and crany of our yard. Read to Brooklynn at least a bazillion hours. Patted myself on the back for being that awesome.

Stage Three: Exhaustion and tears
October 2nd, 2010 Had my second major break down that life sucks being a single mom. I swear, the dog doesn't bark, the temperature stays warm, and the garbage takes itself out when Brent is home. When he's not, everything breaks on cue, Brooklynn gets into messes she never would otherwise, and life itself is dull and exhausting.

Stage Four: Live one day at a time
January 1st, 2011 Somehow I hadn't really looked past the holidays. I just kept thinking ". . . okay, November we've got Thanksgiving, December we've got Christmas and New Years . . . and by January this will be over!" Than January came, and of coarse it wasn't over. I stopped blogging because that meant reporting on what just seemed like such a stagnant situation. I stopped doing anything but getting through that one day. Looking beyond today seemed nothing but frustrating.

Stage Five: Enlightenment
February 9th, 2011 It's been 6 months and 12 days. The longest 6 months and 12 days ever. But I think I've come to a new place. I've decided to just embrace this path. At least for now. Maybe this is just a variation of stage two. Maybe. But at least it's better than stage four. I've decided reading is my new release. I've bought 5 new books that I can't break out of - they're AMAZING. The longer we do this, the less I'm satisfied with Brent's short term trips home. They're just never long enough. But reading and praying and trying to just embrace the path is my new defense mechanism.
Welcome, stage five.

Au Revoir 2010

Courage. To choose an entirely new career path and basically start all over. To commit to another commuting experience, this time with a small family and not much more money then the last time we did this.

Faith. That this choice was the right thing, and that change may be scary, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

Compassion. From Brent when things just get lonely and overwhelming as a "single" mom. From Melissa when the beginning just seems like such a steep climb. From Brooklynn whenever we need a little extra love.

Food Storage. A quest to build up every staple we need. The economy just doesn't seem stable enough not to diversify the savings we have.

Hiking in Havasupi, through the Tetons, the deserts of California, and Glacier National Park.

Schedules. We worked hard through 2009 to enjoy the clockwork schedule Brooklynn began enjoying in 2010. She's always excited to go to bed and falls asleep easily, without even a whimper. It was months of climbing little hills, and I give all credit for this happy, healthy child to her structured sleep patterns.

Canada. Discovered. Cowboys, cows, dozens and dozens of horses. To be visited every year forever more.

Commitment. That I knew I had, but this year discovered really is there. I'll love Brent through pretty much anything, I've learned. He's the best part of my day, the strength in everything I do. He's the funny and balanced person I'm not. He's the best dad anyone could ask for, and the obsession of Brooklynn. I'll never get used to that feeling I get about 2 minutes after he gets home after being gone for 3 weeks. It surprises me every time just how much better life is when he walks through that door.

New Chapters. Happy to see 2010 end, knowing that 2011 brings with it a new full time position for Brent, and an end to the training that keeps us living in two places.

Au Revoir 2010.

Family Photos 2010

My sister-in-law MaRea is an AWESOME photographer (blacklilyphotography.blogspot.com) How awesome to have such a great hook up! LOVE this years photos. Thanks MaRea!!

Most cherished items: blankee, sippee, her dora backpack. All while wearing "daddy's hat". Glorious.

"The Shadow-past is shaped by everything that never happened. Invisible, it melts the present like rain through karst. A biography of longing. It steers us like magnetism, a spirit torque. This is how one becomes undone by a smell, a word, a place, the photo of a mountain of shoes. By love that closes its mouth before calling a name."
- Fugitive Pieces, Anne Michaels

I dreamed about you again last night. Just like that, and you were real. I'm sure it has something to do with reunions and deaths . . . both of which have wrapped themselves around my life, one invited and the other not. It's funny how you can know someone so well that it gives you a free pass to honesty if you ever happen to run into them 10 years later. Time slips, and you find yourself looking into their eyes and almost nothing, although everything, has changed.

It seems I know myself so much better then I did then. I'm well aware of the personality flaws that lead me to you - all those complicated words that really meant simple things.

Reunions are like trying to pull a person from your past right into the present. You keep looking at them and wanting them to get the you that you are now, but without changing who they were back then. "No, no, not you - I want the you that I knew. Now. Look at me. Can I please tell you where I've been? You would totally get this. What do you mean you don't get it? You would totally have gotten this!" And just like that you realize that all those years they weren't just sitting on a shelf in your mind, too high to reach. They were living too, and then CRACK you realize you're not the same person you once were. And neither are they.

Out of nowhere you lost your brother, and I had to write you. I didn't know what to say, except, I had loved you. I had loved him. And I'm sorry. Aaron was singing in my head "I would be her everything until forever comes and leaves again. . . . we danced for a little while, we danced until the music stopped". It seemed the whole conversation we were skillfully maneuvering around the unfamiliar. And in the end, I just needed you to know I was strong. You waited for a moment and then sighed "Melissa, you've always been strong".
And just like that I felt okay.
Thank you for remembering me.
Thank you for helping me remember me.

Halloween 2010

What a party! Danielle put on a party of the year, with a pony to ride and treats to eat . . . Brooklynn couldn't get enough of it!
Thanks Danielle - it was a hit!!






The first fake smile I've ever got Brooklynn to give me: CLASSIC :)

Best Friends.

Call off the troops!

This week hasn't been my best week. Brent is gone this time for 5 weeks; we're 3 weeks into it with 2 weeks to go. It started as a triumphant quest to conquer time but after this last week I'm sounding the bugle call of defeat. Call off the army! Raise the white flag! I'm done done done with not an ounce of victory left.
The first thing to go was the disposal. It just broke. I tried everything with that stupid key and could not get it to work. This was quickly followed by the dirt guy ripping up our front lawn in 4 distinct tire tracks, and eventually deciding to put the 4 cubic yards of dirt in the street. Which then I had to move. With a shovel. And a wheel barrow. For hours. It would have just been an afternoon of hard labor, except I went inside to start the dinner and then downstairs to start the laundry. 3 minutes later I went back downstairs to find the washing machine billowing black smoke. My clothes sat in the washer filled with water, and nothing moving but the smoke which seemed to keep coming no matter what I did. Upon trying to solve the problem, open the windows, and saying a few choice words, I went back upstairs only to find the dinner burned to a crisp and the whole upstairs in a cloud of charcoal. I threw in the towel and went to the store for more food, only to discover I didn't have my wallet. So we drove home, but the wallet turned out to be lost, not just forgotten. And then I realized I'd forgotten Brooklynn's three staples (Blankets, Sippee, sound machine) in Logan. I made my way to the bank, where through tears, I begged the teller to let me withdraw some cash without ID. Because we didn't have any wallet or money to buy some darn food. And the food I did have was burnt. And the laundry machine was broken. And so was the disposal. And the dirt was in the darn street.

But I didn't surrender there. I really kept trying. I called the Maytag people. I spent forever on the phone with a lady who, pardon my French, was NOT helpful. I called another company and set an appointment. I hauled that darn dirt. I found my wallet. I prayed, cooked a family who just had a new baby dinner, spent hours reading to Brooklynn and setting little goals to help myself feel some kind of movement. I went to work, did the dishes, cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, made bread from scratch, and spent an hour at Home Depot trying to figure out how to lengthen a washing machine hose because, although the repair guy fixed the problem, he created a new one with the solution.

However, it's as if the forces laughed in my face for trying to hold the front lines. This morning, after a shout of victory from the laundry room, I lengthened the hose and tightened the screws. SUCCESS!! I looked at the pile of sheets and blankets that Brooklynn successfully wet in her sleep last night. They would succumb to detergent and water. I had won.

I carefully sorted the colors and put the pile into the now new and improved washing machine. I turned the knob. It magnificently started washing the clothes. The time came for it to drain. My hose held. My work was successful. And then the drain in the floor clogged and the basement flooded.

I'm not kidding. Out of complete dispair I folded my arms and just started to cry. I stood there for several minutes, eyes closed, just feeling defeat and exhaustion. I opened my eyes and Brooklynn was in front of me, looking up at me with folded arms as well. She saw me open my eyes and giggled. Copy cat. She was so darn cute and so perfect in her silent display of me that it just made me start smiling. I gave in, picked her up, and hugged her for 5 minutes. It reminded me that not everything has been bad this week. We had a perfect hike up Millcreek Canyon, her, Mesa, and myself. It really was perfect: perfect temperature, perfect color, perfect length. We've had wonderful hours of reading and snuggling together, Cami fixed my disposal (just like that!) AND did all my laundry at her house, Nate hauled the last (and hardest) loads of my dirt and then landscaped it into beautiful mounds, Josh helped me move the washer so it would be ready for the repair guy the next day, Linda drove Brooklynn's things down from Logan, I prayed and knew exactly where to find my wallet, Linda G. and Robynne have taken Brooklynn for days and days as I work, the repair guy was so helpful, as was the guy at the running company who single handedly changed my life with his diagnosis of my knee problem, which reminds me, my knee is now fixed, which is why I had an awesome run yesterday, AND I went riding which is when Cash took a giant step forward in her training.

Our yard has gone from this:


To this:


And although feeling defeated at the moment because of that stupid darn drain, I'm grateful for the people who are giving in order to keep me going. Brent, 2 weeks and counting, we'll be really happy when you are home.

Bad Purchase.

Yesterday I was looking through my wallet and found a store credit from a gift I returned from my wedding. 4 1/2 years ago. It was to an expensive boutique that I would never really get anything at, but I thought "what the heck - let's see if they'll still accept it".
The trip started out with me getting right down to Brooklynn's level, looking her in the eye, and saying over and over "Brooklynn, this is a fragile store, no touching!" (Due to the last incident we had in an unnamed store, for fear they'll ever recognize me there again, where she did $50 worth of damages in about 3 seconds when I turned my back).
We entered the store and immediately were greeted with that expensive fragrance that always accompanies such stores. After talking to the store clerk, who looked like the good witch of the west, and learning that they would indeed still accept the credit, I began marooning through the boutique in search of something worth only $20.00 (store credit = $18.75)
I stopped at an immaculate halloween elf. Note. Halloween and Elves don't even go together. But this one was immaculate. It was detailed and beautiful, with stacked pumpkins as a hat. I looked at that elf and knew it belonged in a beautiful big home with several other halloween elves and a big window display - the kind you see in Martha Stewart Living. I carefully looked at the price tag - $107.00. ONE HUNDRED SEVEN DOLLARS. For an elf, albeit a Halloween elf.
Moving on.
Clearance Section! Surely something for $20 there.
And then I saw it. Caldrea. Lavender Pine. Essential Oils. Window Spray. Window Spray?! Window Spray.
Immediately thoughts of what this means came to my mind. In what world is window spray of Lavender Essence?? Images filled my mind and I was living in that world. It was a world where entire beds were soft and white, with expensive pillows and 1,200 thread count sheets. I opened the lid and sniffed and the world just erupted in color. I had a maid, and life was easy and happy and so perfect that I could taste it. A life where the WINDOW SPRAY smelled of LAVENDER. Honestly. Just imagine what kind of a life that belongs in.
I had to have this life. Even if it was just a slice of it. I had to have this window spray.
It was in the clearance section, on sale for $4.00
That's right, folks. Only $4 for this amazing daydream to come home with me and become a reality.
Can you tell I'm a SUCKER for infomercials? But that's for another post.
So I bought the Spray. I took it home. There's a reason it was in the clearance section. True, it leaves a divine mist of lavender to anoint your senses for about 3 seconds. It truly is too beautiful to believe. And it leaves your windows and mirrors streaked with oil.
Just in case you think I'm crazy - it says right there on the bottle: "USES: Windows, glass and mirrors. Enjoy sparkling clean windows and mirrors without harsh ammonia."
LIE.
It should say "Enjoy three second of great smell that you should have just bought in an air freshener only to be left behind by streaks that will take you 5 minutes to clean out and leave you feeling disappointed."
To top it all off, we also purchased a stylish ceramic piggy bank for Brooklynn, which she promptly broke within 24 hours of purchase.
I know I should have known.
I was hoping that a slice of the fantasy that everything that store represented could come home with me. Two year olds that don't break breakable piggy banks and windows that stay clean and smell of lavender.
What I learned is what I knew walking into that store. These things don't exist. And if they do, I don't belong. Instead, I'm going to roll up my sleeves, wash the darn windows with windex, and feel bad for the next sorry chap who buys the Caldrea Spray hoping to make their expensive mirrors smell good.

Why I rock.

SO UGLY.


4 Hours later: SO MUCH BETTER.


Empowering project for the week: check.

Happy Birthday Brooklynn!

TWO!!

We waited to celebrate until Daddy came home a week later. By far Brooklynn's favorite present was having him here.

Daddy Zucchini

Brooklynn has adopted a Zucchini that she has named "Daddy". She takes it everywhere with her, patting it and singing to it. It's very cute and very sad at the same time. We're coping. ;)

Labor Day 2010

Brooklynn has become OBSESSED with jumping. She practices all the time. I'm afraid that between Brent and myself she's predestined to be very obsessive compulsive, but don't underestimate all the wonderful side effects . . . like becoming the world's best jumper.


Success! She landed this one:

First Fishing Trip: It didn't matter that we didn't catch anything. Her favorite part was turning the reel.

The gang:

A 12 step guide on How to Survive

How to survive when you find your husband in training and away 3 weeks at a time:

No. 1: Continue cooking meals everyday. Extra? Perfect for lunch.

No. 2: Write down everything that has to be done in order to keep the house running, and divide it into 7 sections. Do one column every day.

No. 3: Think of 10 things that are unique to this situation that won't last after the situation changes, and relish them. (yes I may be thinking about how nice it is to not share the remote, or how amazingly clean the house seems to stay . . . . and to think - this whole time I thought the mess came from the 2 year old! :) )

No. 4: Cuddle with your baby girl more often than usual.

No. 5: Take lots of video to email, and dedicate time every day to ichat.

No. 6: Make a running list throughout the day of things you know he'd love - the little moments you know you won't be able to remember when he's actually on the phone, like how she loves the Dora toothpaste you bought her, or the way she painted her own toenails (and the floor and the couch) with the marker this morning, only to look at you with innocent eyes and say loudly "PRETTY!".

NO. 7: Avoid all chick flicks until it's 5 days or less until he's home.

No. 8: Do something every day that empowers you. This includes:
* Surviving having a sick baby all alone.
* Putting up the white board in the kitchen, which included drilling into the brick, measuring and aligning, and hammering in braces.
* Painting the long awaited entryway that is, after 3 years, now finally finished.
* Mowing the lawn and edging it to perfection.
* Running.
* Arguing with three different census people (at separate times) that have come by even after I've already talked to them twice.
* Taking the door handle completely off in order to rescue her after being locked in the bathroom, and then reassembling it.

No. 9: Go to bed early. Really early.

No. 10: Do not EVER, under any circumstances, feel sorry for yourself. Instead, surround yourself with very supportive, strong people.

No. 11: Always remember the other option. Not so pretty.

No. 12: Pray.

Two Tasty Treats

An hourly staple for the healthy in our house:

I glass of cold soda water (2 liters at Smiths for 79 cents)
1 crystal light "to go" packet (my favorite: raspberry lemonade)
Ice cubes
fresh strawberries, diced


A daily delicious treat for the not so healthy in our house:

Oatmeal
+
smothered in Coffee Mate Coconut Creamer (the "not so healthy but oh so delicious part)
+
Fresh Blueberries

Enjoy!

Summer 2010

"All the trouble in the world is going to come for you in two ways. the things you say, and the things you agree to do. be very careful about these items." - Danny Barnes

New Chapters

This is my super hero warrior suit. I keep it in the closet. It comes out on special occasions when I need to change into my super human self and do something hard.

The first time I wore it was when I was hiking Rainier with a 90 lbs pack and down hill skies and boots strapped to my back. I flew to Seattle with 5 guys I'd met once, and climbed to the summit and back down again in 24 hours. I was the only girl, side note. The suit saved my life.

The next time I wore it was when we were first married and Brent moved to Utah for work. I stayed in New York to finish school and practiced my ninja moves catapulting through subways and airplanes and LIRR trains as we both commuted back and forth every two weeks to be together for a weekend. I slaughtered the thoughts of doubt that came when I thought of how "I'd never really experience a 'typical' first year of marriage" and replaced it with thoughts like "who gets to live like this?! Seriously, how sexy is a commuting relationship where you're living in two different apartments?! Very. Sexy."

I wore it again when I chose to do a natural birth, and then the baby decided to come very quickly. It was a superman move, I'm telling you.

Then there was the last two years. There's a whole different galaxy that you live in when you're husband isn't working. The colors in the air change, and you are forced to breathe an oxygen that often stings. When the people you love are hurting, you live to help them. You live to survive, for them. You live to never let anyone else do anything but love them. You become very protective and your samurai super suit never comes off. You do hard things, day after day, and when work ends, you start the clean up at home, and you keep your strength because you can't. afford. to ever. stop.

Last week I put my suit back in the closet.

Brent began training in his new job. The air started changing color back to what it was before. For the next 6 - 9 months until training ends, he'll be gone 3 weeks and home for 1. Brooklynn and I are holding down the fort, doing the single mom thing for a while, remembering those feelings that come with a commuting relationship. I never would have thought we'd do it again. I never thought we'd do it with a two year old and us both working full time. But this time my suit is pretty experienced. It's well used and newly oiled, broken in and ready for battle.

So, new chapter: BRING (quick awesome arm gesture) IT (another quick karate arm move) ON.

MONTANA / CANADA TRIP 2010

This trip was a renewal for me.
There's something about going to a place where the sky is big, the hills are rolling, and the air clean. I've never been to the Reeder Ranch in Canada, but when I got there I felt like I'd been there my whole life.
Uncle Bill opened his arms and gave us a big hug when we arrived. I may have come off as a dude, but I think I passed the test to prove that I wasn't. :)
There was a cattle drive and a long ride for Brooklynn, who did great; 35 horses, world famous trainer, and endless hills. It was heading out into the hills on horseback to look for wolf kill (hoping it wasn't one of our calves), and honestly, the most stunning scenery I've ever seen. Glacier is like Switzerland and Alaska rolled into one breathtaking combination. To do it on horseback was just unforgettable.
It was hours of sitting around the table listening to bear stories, rodeo stories, horse stories . . . lots and lots of stories.
I loved every second of it - every second I was gleefully giddy that we were actually here, on a horse ranch, in Canada, with cattle drives and fires and home town cooking. AND FAMILY! I declared right then and there that I was moving in. I loved it so so so so so much.
Montana was wonderful X 100. Seeing Melanie was so much fun, we talked like young school girls all through the night. Baby Claire is more beautiful than even the pictures showed, and I loved having the opportunity to deliver a horse to a 9 year old girl (who gets to be THAT person?!)
All in all, it was a perfect trip. Brooklynn weathered the 12 hour drive like it was nothing - really, we couldn't have asked for a more perfect outing.
Until next year, here are some photos (wishing I would have taken more of people. . . I don't know how I missed that, except I didn't want to be the "dude" who brought her camera on the round up) hee hee.